June 17, 2025 - Day 620 - The Sky

Two relationships have changed significantly in my life since the beginning of the war. 

1. My relationship with my phone. 

2. My relationship with the sky. 

You may not think about these two things very often, but after 620 days of war with Hamas and a 5th day of direct war with Iran... I do. 

On October 7, 2023 and for roughly 2 weeks after that my phone didn't leave my hand. I was constantly reading, scrolling, searching for some new information that would prove that this is all a dream. It was the most addicted to news, social media, and my phone in general that I have ever been in my life. I hated it, but I felt desperate to have it. I "needed to know" so therefore I had to have my phone with me 24/7. 

Then, for over 600 days I rode waves of desperately needing my cellphone to ones that made me want to throw it at a wall. The digital world is addicting and our brains have rewired to "need" all of that constant information coming at us all the time. 

For over 600 days, I didn't think much about the sky. I had lived through several missile attacks and thought I understood the feeling of incoming missiles. 

Until Friday, June 13th. The first time I really saw missiles and interceptors. The coming days would bring many firsts. Like the first time I saw the sky rip open by a ballistic missile breaking through the atmosphere. The first time I saw dozens of interceptors being fired. They look like a golden shooting star or comet. Beautiful really. 

It's changed my relationship with the sky. I find myself constantly searching. Do I see birds? Are their stars? Are the stars moving? Is it an airplane (or jet) or a missile or the Iron Dome? That's where my phone comes in and I start searching news outlets for information. Like information will save me from a falling sky or something falling from it. 

It's a trauma response. It's how I know that despite sitting calmly on the couch right now, writing this essay... I desperately want to go look at the sky. PTSD? Can it be called "post" if it's still now? Happening-right now-TSD. 

I hope that one day when I look up at the sky I won't desperately be searching for missiles and UAVs. I hope to be able to turn my phone off and walk away. Perhaps only then, I could reestablish my relationship with the sky. Lie on the ground, watch the clouds, feel the sunshine on my face without worry or panic. Turn my phone off and know that the world will keep turning and that everything is just going to be ok. 

Until then I'll be searching the skies while clutching my telephone.